In memory of Joe Ruddy

Shall I Compare Thee To A Pile Of Plates (For Thou Art Very Dishy)

Joes winning poem for the Fragile Things contest

In Xanadu did Kublai Khan,
Decree a great big Pottery Barn,
Be built and filled (with greatest care)
With all kinds of fabulous earthenware

The riches of Cresus were made to a mockery
Compared to the jewel-studded, gold-plated crockery
That came from all corners of India and China,
In matters of taste there was simply none finer.

But of all these treasures in Kubalai's hoard
T'was not the richest that he most adored
But a crudely hand painted mass-produced plate
Made for the great Khan on his first ever date

(All nervous he went with his young bride-to-be
To a place where you paint your own potter-ee
He drew a pink heart on a dish, by her name,
She wrote on her plate 'dude, this is SO lame')

Pity then the poor lad on his first day of work,
Who caused the great Khan to go straight berserk
Dusting too rashly, a fault common in teens,
He fumbled, it tumbled and was smithereens

'Here is the lesson, too late were you taught it'
Quoth Khan in his fury 'you broke it, you bought it'
And unto the cleaner was rendered great harm
He broke a few plates and bought the whole farm

This tale has no moral, I can ill afford 'em
Like Coleridge I wrote it whilst strung out on laudnam
Great art dwells in silence, the message unspoken
(And men's pates, like plates, are easily broken)

Six Long Years Shooting Sh*t With A Bunch Of Froody Individuals (the title needs a little work)

A Pirate Sea Shanty written by Joe to celebrate 6 years of the Neil Gamen message board

Well it’s six long years on the message board
Hey Ho keep posting oh
Well it’s six long years and we’re not yet bored
Hey Ho keep posting oh

Out here on the wide, wild internets
`Mid the blogs and the porn and the pictures of pets
Is a place where folks can make a friend
With the hot lewd nerds at the old World’s End

Well it’s six long years on the message board
Hey Ho keep posting oh
Well it’s six long years with the gibbering horde
Hey Ho keep posting oh

From the USA, to Asia and Europia
Folks came in search of this kinda utopia
Where the preacher man and the atheist
Can be pals, not just co-exist (well, mostly)

Well it’s six long years on the message board
Hey Ho keep posting oh
Well it’s six long years going out of my gourd
Hey Ho keep posting oh

Well here’s a Troll from the days of yore
If it winds you up, just click ‘ignore’
And here’s a spammer with a marketing plan
Well you get one warning then you get a ban

Well it’s six long years on the message board
Hey Ho keep posting oh
Well it’s six long years unless my maths is flawed
Hey Ho keep posting oh

Let’s pause for a moment to talk of romance
And of posters who get into each others pants
What’s that you say now? Don’t lower the tone?
This ‘ere’s a sea shanty, not a blessed love poem.

Well it’s six long years on the message board
Hey Ho keep posting oh
Well it’s six long years, you can rest assured
I will keep posting oh

So let’s raise a glass to this blessed nation
Home to wit and warmth and procrastination
Where from round the globe people come to meet
And proclaim “dude, the World’s End is SWEET!”